Happily Ever After: The Self-Test

Questionnaires for Robert J. Sternberg’s article in the Spring 2007 issue of Tufts Magazine

You’ve read Dean Robert J. Sternberg’s theory that we are constantly telling ourselves stories about love, stories that—whether we realize it or not—determine the course of our relationships. And you’ve seen his research showing that we can understand more about the nature of our love by viewing it as a triangle, one whose size and shape changes depending on how much commitment, intimacy, or passion we feel.

So where does that leave you? Is yours the Equilateral Triangle of Consummate Bliss, with commitment, intimacy, and passion in equal measure? Or perhaps the Isosceles Triangle of Companionable Contentment, long on both commitment and intimacy but short on passion? Or have you found something else, something a bit more . . . scalene, shall we say?

And how about those love stories that have formed your idea of romance? What are they, exactly? Do you tend more toward horror or humor? Science or sacrifice? You may get a better sense after you fill out the two questionnaires we’ve provided here.

Triangular Love Questionnaire
 DIRECTIONS: First, download and print out the Triangular Love Answer Sheet (46k pdf). Next, rate the following statements on the extent to which they are characteristic of your relationship. The blanks represent the person with whom you are in a relationship. Circle a number from 1 (not at all) to 9 (extremely) on your answer sheet for each. Use intermediate points on the scale to represent intermediate levels of feeling (5 = moderately, for example). Then rate the same statements again—this time focusing on the extent to which they are important to your relationship.

Directions for interpreting your answers follow the questionnaire.

Intimacy

  1. I am actively supportive of _____’s well-being.
  2. I have a warm relationship with _____.
  3. I am able to count on _____ in times of need.
  4. _____ is able to count on me in times of need.
  5. I am willing to share myself and my possessions with _____.
  6. I receive considerable emotional support from _____.
  7. I give considerable emotional support to _____.
  8. I communicate well with _____.
  9. I value _____ greatly in my life.
  10. I feel close to _____.
  11. I have a comfortable relationship with _____.
  12. I feel that I really understand _____.
  13. I feel that _____ really understands me.
  14. I feel that I really can trust _____.
  15. I share deeply personal information about myself with _____.

Passion

  1. Just seeing _____ excites me.
  2. I find myself thinking about _____ frequently during the day.
  3. My relationship with _____ is very romantic.
  4. I find _____ to be very personally attractive.
  5. I idealize _____.
  6. I cannot imagine another person making me as happy as _____ does.
  7. I would rather be with _____ than with anyone else.
  8. There is nothing more important to me than my relationship with _____.
  9. I especially like physical contact with _____.
  10. There is something almost magical about my relationship with _____.
  11. I adore _____.
  12. I cannot imagine my life without _____.
  13. My relationship with _____ is passionate.
  14. When I see romantic movies and read romantic books I think of _____.
  15. I fantasize about _____.

Commitment

  1. I know that I care about _____.
  2. I am committed to maintaining my relationship with _____.
  3. Because of my commitment to _____, I would not let other people come between us.
  4. I have confidence in the stability of my relationship with _____.
  5. I could not let anything get in the way of my commitment to _____.
  6. I expect my love for _____ to last the rest of my life.
  7. I will always feel a strong responsibility for _____.
  8. I view my commitment to _____ as a solid one.
  9. I cannot imagine ending my relationship with _____.
  10. I am certain of my love for _____.
  11. I view my relationship with _____ as permanent.
  12. I view my relationship with _____ as a good decision.
  13. I feel a sense of responsibility toward _____.
  14. I plan to continue in my relationship with _____.
  15. Even when _____ is hard to deal with, I remain committed to our relationship.

Evaluating Your Triangular Love Scores
 DIRECTIONS: Find your average score in each of the three categories (add the numbers you’ve circled and divide by 15). You can now compare the “lengths” of the three sides of your love triangle—intimacy, passion, and commitment. To learn how your scores compare with those of respondents in scientific studies, see “Triangular Love Study Results.”

Love Stories Questionnaire
 DIRECTIONS: First, download and print out the Love Stories Answer Sheet (79k pdf). Next, use your answer sheet to rate how strongly you agree with each of the following statements, from 1 (not at all) to 9 (extremely). Note that two stories mentioned in the article—House & Home and Teacher-Student—are omitted here because they were not part of the same study.

Directions for interpreting your answers follow the questionnaire.

Addiction

  1. I cannot imagine my love life without my partner.
  2. I would be a desperate person without my partner.
  3. For me, the necessity of having my partner around is like the necessity of having air to breathe.
  4. I don’t think I could live without my partner.
  5. My life would be meaningless without my partner’s love.
  6. If my partner were to leave me, my life would be completely empty.
  7. I could not survive without my partner.
  8. I am almost totally dependent on my partner for my happiness.

Art

  1. One of the pleasures of life for me is being able to enjoy the physical beauty of my partner.
  2. Physical attractiveness is quite honestly the most essential characteristic that I look for in a partner.
  3. I usually do not even consider partners who are not physically quite attractive.
  4. I enjoy being surrounded by beautiful things, especially a good-looking partner.
  5. I would like to be able to watch and admire my partner, like a work of art.
  6. I cannot imagine myself making a permanent commitment to someone who is not physically attractive.
  7. It is very important to me that my partner always looks good.
  8. Unusual physical attractiveness in a partner is very important to me.

Business

  1. I believe close relationships are partnerships, just like most business relationships.
  2. I believe close relationships are not only about love, but also about running a household financially.
  3. I believe one of the most important issues in a close relationship is the making and spending of money.
  4. I believe that in a romantic relationship, just as in a job, both partners should perform their duties and responsibilities according to their “job description.”
  5. Whenever I consider having a relationship with someone, I always consider the financial implications of the relationship as well.
  6. When all is said and done, I believe economic considerations are of key importance to a relationship.
  7. I believe relationships are in many ways like a well-run business.
  8. I believe a good relationship is at its core a business proposition.

Collection

  1. I like dating different partners simultaneously; each partner should fit a particular need.
  2. I think it is okay to have multiple partners who fulfill my different needs.
  3. I sometimes like to think about how many people I could potentially date all at the same time.
  4. I believe love is like a collection of coins: the greater the variety, the more exciting the collection.
  5. I don’t believe any one partner can be all that I need. Therefore, I prefer to have multiple partners, each fulfilling different needs.
  6. I enjoy having multiple intimate partners simultaneously, each with a unique place in my life.
  7. I find it difficult to be happy when I have only one intimate partner.
  8. I tend and like to have multiple intimate partners at once, each fulfilling a somewhat different role.

Cookbook

  1. I believe there is a right way and a wrong way of approaching close relationships. You can succeed if you know the right way.
  2. I believe that to have a good relationship you need to follow all the necessary steps one by one.
  3. I believe the recipe for a great relationship is like the recipe for a great dish; it requires the right ingredients and attention to details.
  4. I believe that those who have succeeded in their relationships are those who have discovered what it takes to do them just right.
  5. I believe that being successful in one’s close relationship is like being able to cook well; using too much or too little of the necessary ingredients may prove disastrous.
  6. I believe a good relationship must follow certain steps to success.
  7. I believe making a relationship work is much like following a recipe for success in cooking.
  8. I believe there is a recipe for success in relationships that some people find and others don’t.

Fantasy

  1. I think fairy tales about relationships can come true.
  2. I think people owe it to themselves to wait for the partner they have always dreamed about.
  3. I think near-perfect relationships are possible, provided you find that one person who is just right for you.
  4. I still believe in the concept of living happily ever after, provided you get to meet your Mr./Ms. Right.
  5. I do believe that there is someone out there for me who is my perfect match.
  6. I think fairy tales come true for some people every day; there is no reason why mine can’t come true for me.
  7. I like my relationships to be ones in which I view my partner as something like a prince or princess in tales of old.
  8. I think the best relationships truly are like fairy tales.

Game

  1. I believe love is like a game; sometimes you win, sometimes you lose.
  2. I believe dating is much like a game; you play your part and hope to win.
  3. I like to look at relationships as a game; my loss may be somebody else’s gain, and vice versa.
  4. I view my relationships as games. The uncertainty of winning or losing is part of the excitement of the game.
  5. I believe partners in a relationship are like opponents in a game; each side aims at minimizing losses and maximizing gains.
  6. When a romantic partner breaks up with me, I feel like I have lost in a game.
  7. When I am with a partner in a relationship, I find myself thinking in terms of who is winning and who is losing.
  8. I believe relationships are a game much like any other.

Gardening

  1. I believe a good relationship is attainable only if you are willing to spend the time and energy to care for it, just as you need to care for a garden.
  2. I believe any relationship that is left unattended will not survive.
  3. I believe relationships need to be nourished constantly in order to survive the ups and downs of life.
  4. I believe the secret to a successful relationship is the care that partners take of each other and of their love.
  5. I believe no love will survive without constant care and nourishment.
  6. I think a love relationship between two people is similar to a delicate flower; it will die if it is left unattended.
  7. It is important that I properly nurture and tend to my relationship.
  8. I devote a great deal of effort and care to my relationship.

Government (Autocratic)
Governor

  1. It is important to me to be the sole person in control of important decisions in my close relationships.
  2. I believe relationships are fundamentally about who is controlling who, and I certainly don’t want to be the one who is being controlled.
  3. I think it is important to let my partner know from the outset that I will be in charge.
  4. I like to be the sole person in charge of important decisions, because otherwise there will be anarchy.

Governed

  1. I believe relationships are like governments; one person should be responsible for all the decisions, and I would rather let my partner be that person.
  2. I don’t mind if my partner makes most of the decisions because I think it is better to have one person in charge.
  3. I think it is important for one person to be responsible for important decisions in a relationship, and I would rather let my partner be the responsible one.
  4. I think it is actually more efficient if only one person takes control of the important decisions in a relationship, and I don’t mind if that person is not me.

Government (Democratic)

  1. I believe relationships are all about sharing of power, just as governments are.
  2. I believe, contrary to what many people believe, that the issues of love and power can be resolved, provided partners are willing to share both love and power.
  3. I believe it is important for partners in any close relationship to learn from the outset how to make important decisions together.
  4. It is important that my partner and I share in the process of decision making.
  5. I believe the only way that partners can form a harmonious relationship together is if they share in the power.
  6. I believe the only way to maintain equality for partners in a relationship is to share power.
  7. I believe relationships are all about learning to share everything, including power.
  8. I believe sharing of power is essential to a close relationship, just as sharing of power is essential to a government.

History

  1. I often think about all the moments that I have shared with my partner and how much this common history means to me.
  2. I believe that to know the future of a relationship, one should look at its past.
  3. It is very important to me to keep objects or pictures that remind me of special moments I have shared with my partner.
  4. I believe that our past is a very important part of us and our relationship, and that it should never be forgotten.
  5. I think anniversaries are especially important because they remind us of our shared history.
  6. I like reminiscing about some important past events in our relationship, because I believe our past is an important part of us.
  7. I cannot imagine separating our history from our present or future, as our past has become a part of us.
  8. I believe a couple’s shared past is necessarily of great importance to their present relationship.

Horror
Terrorizer

  1. I often make sure that my partner knows I am in charge, even if it involves having my partner scared of me.
  2. I actually find it exciting when I feel my partner is somewhat frightened of me.
  3. I don’t think there is anything wrong with having your partner be slightly scared of you.
  4. I sometimes do things that scare my partner, because I think it is actually good for a relationship to have one partner slightly frightened of the other.

Terrorized

  1. I believe it is somewhat exciting to be slightly scared of your partner.
  2. I find it arousing when my partner creates a sense of fear in me.
  3. I keep getting into relationships with people who could have come right out of a horror story.
  4. I tend to end up with people who sometimes frighten me.

Humor
Comedian

  1. I admit that I sometimes try to use humor in order to avoid facing a problem in my relationship.
  2. Often I like to joke around when my partner is upset with me, mainly because I think it is healing to be able to laugh at yourself even when you are facing a difficult situation in your relationship.
  3. I like to use humor when I have a conflict with my partner because I believe there is always a humorous side to any conflict situation in relationships.
  4. When I disagree with my partner, I often try to make a joke out of it.

Audience

  1. I like a partner who is willing to think about the funny side of our conflicts.
  2. I like partners who are able occasionally to see the humorous side of issues.
  3. I think taking a relationship too seriously can spoil it; that’s why I like partners who have a sense of humor.
  4. I like a partner who makes me laugh whenever we are facing a tense situation in our relationship.

Mystery
Detective

  1. I am often attracted to individuals who have an air of mystery about them.
  2. I like it when my partner is a bit hard to figure out.
  3. I often become attracted to individuals who are somewhat mysterious.
  4. I find mysterious partners who have hidden secrets to be quite attractive.

Mystery
Figure

  1. I do not believe it is absolutely necessary to let my partner know a lot about me.
  2. I like to create a sense of mystery about myself in my close relationships.
  3. I keep lots of secrets from my partner in my relationship and I like it that way.
  4. I believe it is good to keep your partner guessing about yourself in a relationship.

Police
Officer

  1. I believe it is necessary to watch your partner’s every move to maintain some degree of order in your relationship.
  2. I believe that in relationships you invariably need to keep a close eye on your partner.
  3. I believe it is foolish to let your guard down and to trust your partner completely.
  4. I would never trust my partner in a situation in which he or she would work closely with a person of the opposite sex.

Suspect

  1. My partner often calls me several times during the day to ask exactly what I am doing.
  2. My partner keeps close tabs on me.
  3. My partner needs to know everything that I do.
  4. My partner gets very upset if I don’t let him or her know exactly where I have been.

Pornography
Subject

  1. I like to use a variety of sexual techniques, especially ones that most other people would view as bizarre or even degrading toward my partner.
  2. The most important thing to me in my relationship is for my partner to be an excellent sex toy, doing anything that I desire.
  3. I can never be happy with a partner who is not very adventurous, in a pornographic sort of a way, in his or her sex life.
  4. The truth is that I like a partner who feels like a sex object.

Object

  1. The truth is that I don’t mind being treated as a sex toy by my partner.
  2. I confess that it is very important to me to be able to gratify all my partner’s sexual desires and whims, even if other people might view them as debasing me.
  3. I get bored when I am with a partner who does not want me to be adventurous in a pornographic sort of a way in my sexual relations with him or her.
  4. I like it when my partner wants me to try new and unusual, and even painful, sexual techniques.

Recovery
Helper

  1. I often end up with people who face a specific problem in their past or present life, and I find myself helping them get their life back in order.
  2. I enjoy being involved in relationships in which my partner needs my help to get over some problem.
  3. I think a truly good relationship could mean the beginning of a new life for those individuals who have had to face unfortunate circumstances in their lives.
  4. I often find myself with partners who need my help to recover from the hurts of their past.

Helped

  1. I need someone who will help me recover from my painful past.
  2. I believe that a relationship can save me from a life that is crumbling around me.
  3. I need help getting over my past.
  4. The best relationship would be one in which my partner and I both could devote a great deal of time and effort to helping me get over my past.

Religion

  1. I cannot imagine myself in a relationship in which my partner does not share my spiritual beliefs.
  2. I believe that the closeness and unity involved in a close relationship almost require that partners have similar religious beliefs.
  3. My devotion to my partner can only been seen in the larger context of my devotion to God.
  4. The love that I feel for my partner has a sacred place within my heart, just as my spiritual beliefs do.
  5. I believe true love should be a part of, rather than separate from, one’s religious life.
  6. I believe love is like spiritual belief in that it can be truly recognized only by your heart, rather than by your mind.
  7. I believe that in the best relationships, people help each other draw closer to God.
  8. It is very important to me that my partner share my religious beliefs.

Sacrifice

  1. I often enjoy making sacrifices for the sake of my partner.
  2. I believe that being prepared to make sacrifices for your partner is the sign of true love.
  3. I would not hesitate to sacrifice for the sake of my partner.
  4. I often give up something that I would like to do for the sake of my partner. Yet knowing that my partner is happy makes me happy.
  5. I believe a close relationship is not only about love, but also about sacrifices for love.
  6. I believe sacrifice is a key part of true love.
  7. I frequently make sacrifices for the good of my partner.
  8. I often compromise my own comforts in order to satisfy my partner’s needs.

Science

  1. I believe understanding a love relationship is like understanding any other natural phenomenon; you need to uncover its governing rules.
  2. I believe that to understand a love relationship, you need to try to study it from a scientific perspective.
  3. I like to analyze different aspects of my relationship, and I find it quite useful to do so.
  4. I believe the best way to succeed in a relationship is to approach relationship problems from a logical and scientific point of view.
  5. I believe more people could have successful relationships if they approached their relationship problems from a logical perspective rather than an emotional one.
  6. I like to sit back and objectively analyze and discuss different aspects of my relationship with my partner.
  7. I believe relationships can be optimized by rational analysis and dissection.
  8. It is possible for me to analyze and understand my partner pretty much completely.

Science Fiction

  1. I often find myself attracted to individuals who have unusual and strange characteristics, almost what you would expect of someone from another planet.
  2. Sometimes my partner’s behavior is so bizarre and unpredictable that I might almost wonder whether he or she is from this planet.
  3. I am amazed at some people who claim to know their partner like a book, because I sometimes feel like my partner is an alien.
  4. My partner is so unpredictable and strange that sometimes I have no clue about what he or she might do next or whether he or she is even human in any meaningful sense of the word.
  5. Sometimes it is beyond my comprehension why my partner acts the way he or she does: It is as if he or she has come out of a science fiction book.
  6. My partner baffles me so much that I sometimes feel that he or she could be from another planet.
  7. I sometimes find my partner completely beyond comprehension; it is as if he or she is not from this world.
  8. My partner is like an alien to me—incomprehensible and very strange.

Sewing

  1. I think your love life is whatever you make it.
  2. I think we create for ourselves the kind of relationship that we like to be involved in.
  3. I believe the kind of relationship we are in is indicative of the kind of love we seek.
  4. I believe involvement in a close relationship is like sewing a dress or a shirt; it is in your own hands to make it fit just right.
  5. I believe selecting partners is like knitting a sweater for yourself; it is up to you to find the pattern that will fit you the best.
  6. I think it is entirely up to the individual to create his or her own unique relationship.
  7. I can make my relationship into whatever I want it to be.
  8. I can construct any kind of relationship I want with my partner.

Theater
Actor

  1. I think my relationships are like plays; some are comedies, some are dramas.
  2. I frequently put on an act for my partner.
  3. I often find myself playing a role in my relationship, just like in a play.
  4. I think of my relationship as acting in a play, except that I create my own unique surprise ending.

Audience

  1. I often find myself attracted to partners who are able to play different roles, like actors in a play.
  2. I like partners who can play different roles from one minute to the next.
  3. I like partners who have a sense of drama about themselves, like actors in a play.
  4. I enjoy dating partners who are able to change their behavior according to the occasion, just like actors in a play.

Travel

  1. I believe that, in a good relationship, partners change and grow together.
  2. I believe love is a constant process of discovery and becoming.
  3. I believe that beginning a relationship is like starting a new journey that promises to be both exciting and challenging.
  4. I consider my partner and myself travel companions who go through the journey of life together.
  5. In my close relationship, my partner and I look forward to exploration and discovery of what life has to offer.
  6. I believe change and discovery are key to the success of my relationship with my partner.
  7. I have found my relationship to be a constant process of change and discovery.
  8. I enjoy traveling all of life’s journeys together with my partner.

War

  1. I think arguing is healthy for a close relationship.
  2. I think fights actually make a relationship more vital.
  3. I think relationships in which partners do not have frequent arguments are dead.
  4. I think it is more interesting to argue than to compromise.
  5. I think frequent arguments help bring conflicts into the open and keep the relationship healthy.
  6. I enjoy battling a lot with my partner to keep things interesting.
  7. Relationships involve a great deal of conflict, which I believe is actually good for the relationship.
  8. I actually like to fight with my partner.

Evaluating Your Love Stories Scores
 DIRECTIONS: Find your average score in each of the story categories (add the numbers you’ve circled and divide by either 8 or by 4, depending on the number of questions in the category). You can now see which story or stories are most dominant in your conception of love. To learn how your scores compare with those of respondents in scientific studies, see “Love Study Results.”