Budget crisis leads to housing changesMichael Thackrey M'07
In a surprise move prompted by a pending budget crisis, the regents for Tufts School of Medicine have made it mandatory for all first year medical students to live in Posner Hall. The initiative will be set about this August, making the matriculating class of 2008 the first affected.
“We are losing money hand over fist,” notes Johnson Richman, Dean of Finance and Pilferage. “We have made some questionable decisions in the past that we must now remedy.” Many critics point to the exclusive catering contract between the School of Medicine and Catering with Distinction. Close examination shows that the contract is binding for the next 86 years at a minimum cost of 2.6 million dollars per year. “We probably should have had at least one of us read the fine print,” admitted Richman.
The new declaration will require six people to live in each room while sharing one computer. Each room will also be allowed either a refrigerator or a microwave, but not both. “We hope to efficiently reduce energy usage as a whole in the entire building,” stated Richman. “Our studies have revealed that students only need an average of 23 minutes per day of computer usage if expanded to the whole year. This should allow for plenty of time throughout the day for each student.” The School of Medicine is also appealing for a special reprieve on the law requiring the thermostat to be set to 68 degrees during the day and 64 degrees at night. Argues Richman, “Either the heat supplied by the microwave or from the back of the refrigerator should be sufficient. With six people together, they can huddle.”
The incoming first year students who have already
accepted a position will not be informed until the entire class has been
filled. The regents claim that they do not want to “scare away”
any students from attending Tufts. Said Richman, “Once we have their
first check, they’re ours, baby.” Fortunately for them, this
will not apply to the incoming Dental class until the following year.