Leisure
'Till Residency Do Us Part?
We've all heard the dismal statistics about doctors and relationships. But
<deep breath now> it appears the one about the 75% divorce rate for those
foolhardy enough to marry during medical school or residency is merely an urban
legend.
A quick Internet search yielded the results of a Johns Hopkins study
looking at the divorce rate of 1,118 Hopkins medical graduates, covering
more than 30 years. On average, seems we
only divorce as often as the guy behind the register at Dunkin' Donuts. Our relationships bust no more regularly than those of our accountant friends. We will pay no more alimony 20 years down the line than our patients will.
However, those of us who marry before we graduate will have a higher rate of divorce than those who wait. The women of the Tufts Med class of 2004 will be less likely to stay happily married than the men (divorce rates of 37% vs. 28%). And psychiatrists should perhaps avoid marriage
altogether - the Hopkins shrinks racked up a 51% divorce rate, surgeons ranking second at 33% (okay, these two
specialties topping the divorce-friendly list doesn't really shock me).
But does this mean that we should commit ourselves to lives of celibacy and solitude? If we are interested in helping those suffering from mental disease or removing cancerous growths from prostates, should we just stop searching for someone to spend our lives with? I should hope not.
These numbers are depressing, but I can see why some of them are so high.
Relationships need to be fed and watered in order to survive and grow. And in a part of our lives when we can barely find the time to feed ourselves,
it's obvious why many of us would have difficulty maintaining healthy relationships. Last semester, for
example: a midterm or final on EVERY SINGLE MONDAY BUT ONE!, and full days of class during the week? How did my married friends spend any time with their spouses? I couldn't even find time for laundry or groceries or clipping my toenails.
And even more difficult to fathom, how did their spouses maintain their patience and sanity? For all of you spouses of med students and
residents out there, I have found an answer: www.medicalspouse.org. It's filled with links to support you while you're wishing you had more time to spend with your husband or
wife - namely, residents' wives discussion groups, how to deal with physician burnout, 101 original articles by families of residents,
and medical spouse alliance
Web sites throughout the world.
Of course, if the Web's not for you (doubtful, seeing as how you're reading along with me and all), you could always decide to bend to the every whim of your medical spouse. At least that's Jane Louie's husband's take:
"I thought about what it meant for Jane to be in medical school before we got
married," David said. "I knew exactly what I was getting myself into and I was prepared. Also, I'm a huge pushover
husband."
Hey, that always helps (ask any woman, doctor or not).
Yes, this is clearly an issue, judging from the extensive support networks available on the Web. Is it really so difficult for those in the non-medical field to have a relationship with one of
our kind? Apparently we have become so warped and whipped by 8 a.m.
quizzes and puzzling over how sodium concentration equals volume regulation (or is it the other way around?) that our significant others are forced to find solace in the
Internet.
Watching the PBS documentary chronicling six Harvard medical graduates
over the past decade made our situation seem even more dismal last spring.
None of the women were married 15 years out of their residencies. The men had been married and divorced and married again. None seemed particularly happy.
I moaned on the phone to my parents recently about how we were all doomed to lead lives married to our careers rather than actual people. They laughed at me and told me to stop being so melodramatic, and
how 'I was only 22, for Chrissakes!" I recounted for them all of the doctors we knew with busted-up marriages (their own, for one). They rolled their eyes at my premature cynicism.
I admit, the black fog has lifted slightly as I started thinking about things more realistically. Yes, I do know several doctors who are now divorced. But I also know several who have stable marriages with great kids. And
I grow more optimistic every time I spend time with friends from school who are married or engaged and hear them talk about how they are managing to keep their relationships successful.
Take Deb Gerson's (M'04) word for it:
"Dave and I got married on July 29, 2000. The day after we returned from our honeymoon, Dave started
third year at Tufts and two weeks later, I started first year. Adjusting to our new schedules was difficult
because we had been so used to having a lot more time to spend together. We had to learn how to make the most of our time off, and
how to prioritize our relationship over school.
"Being married to Dave has made me happier than I have ever been before. Dave and I have supported each other through the year and half of medical school we have gone through together. I have no doubt we will be able to keep our marriage strong and loving in the years to come."
Or if you don't believe Deb, listen to newlywed Beth Buchinder, M'04:
"My
husband [Guido] and I both have very full schedules. He works during the
day and has class two nights a week. The most important part of
maintaining a healthy relationship is not letting stress from school and
work ruin the time we do have together. We keep everything in perspective,
have fun together, and cure each others' stress along the way."
See? Living, breathing testaments that defy the odds. And these are just
two of our several married
colleagues (eight in the M'04 class, by a rough estimate). Okay, maybe the picture isn't as bad as I painted it. I still was curious to hear from older
MDs about their experiences. Unfortunately none of them returned my emails (a bad
omen?) I did hear from one nurse who was once married to a doctor, though (they have since divorced). She tried to offer me some insight:
"The first year my husband and I were married he was doing his internship at SF General, and he had long shifts sometimes, but I understood because I was used to that.
And I worked at that hospital sometimes, too, so that was fun. That was a very good year as I recall.
"Having worked in a large teaching hospital, I got to see a lot of med students, interns, residents, and staff guys in action. Many of the married ones were very friendly with the nurses and other staff. I think the hours put in are very rough on a marriage, especially if the spouse is not in a medical field. Being married in any profession is
tough: people change as the years go by, but in medicine there is definitely a lot of temptation out there. It takes a person with a real commitment to their marriage to make it. The egos in medicine are HUGE, and those egos need to be fed, so I think that explains a lot of it. Is there an answer? I think you need to be sure you are ready for marriage before you do it, and then have enough respect for yourself and your spouse to honor your promises."
Seems like good advice to me. Perhaps the 2.5 kids and white picket fence aren't unattainable goals, after all.
And besides - I didn't want to go into psychiatry or surgery, anyway.