HYPOTHESES OF A SOPHOMORIC FIRST-YEAR MEDICAL STUD(ent)*
Results: *there is a 99.61% chance the following is 99.98% incorrect (p is way less than 1)By Jonathan Zelken M07
1. Problem: MESENTERY (Mez'-IN-terry): See mesenchyme. What the heck is mesentery anyway? We hear of it all the time in reference to histological preparations and the gut and as far as I know it is this mucky stank yellow-brownish stuff.
Hypothesis: Mesentery is yellow-brownish stuff; that's all it is. Anytime you're dissecting something and you find stuff that is of questionable origin, it has got to be mesentery. For example, I dissected the thigh for the first time several weeks ago and saw maroon muscular stuff and tendon stuff and there was some smelly stuff and there was hard white bony stuff. There was vein stuff and artery stuff and there was squishy fatty stuff and fascia. But that only comprised like a third of the volume of the thigh. The rest of the stuff was stuffy stuff, elusive stuff. That stuff, I hypothesize, is mesenchymal stuff called mesentery. I also propose mesenchyme was so named for the Greek for "middle-stuff" (mes=middle, chyme=stuff).
2. Problem: OSTEOCLASTS (Ah-STEE-oh-CLASTS'). These things are freaky. They look like four-eyed Pac-Man jellyfishes from hell. They look unhappy. They're fire-red and they tear apart bone relentlessly with acids and enzymes and they have skirts and seals and if you listen really closely they make noises. Try it, with a stethoscope, on your sternum or ribs. You can hear a heartbeat! They have their own heartbeats, and they're all in unison with your own. An army of invader-beasts that dissolve your bone, I wonder: what the heck are these things, these diabolical vermin?
Hypothesis: The Russians implanted "osteo-clasts" (really, these are the Martian species, Bonumartiunus dissolves) into Americans during the cold war a really long time ago when US-Russian relations were not so hot. Some Russian scientists traveled to Mars, scooped up some "osteo-clasts" and put them in the US water supply at the same time they gave us Fluoride. The original plan was to dissolve us to a fleshy pulp, but the plan backfired. Instead we gained the powers of appositional growth and endochondral ossification, not to mention, strong teeth. Thanks, you Russians, you.
3. Problem: ANGINA [An(?)-(?)-UH]: This has something to do with chest pain and heart failure, I know that- I think. But how the hell do you pronounce it? I swear, next time I talk about a patient's angina and everyone giggles I'm gonna flip my shit.
Hypothesis: You should pronounce it, "AN-meow-NAH", and do so very fast- almost under your breath. That way, nobody really knows what you've said, but it sounds something like the word for "chest pain secondary to heart failure". If it is spoken in the proper context, you will get all sorts of street credit for pronouncing this elusive word correctly. And you won't have to straddle the tightrope of rhyming said word with female genitalia and pronouncing it blatantly wrong.
CONCLUSIONS: I hope my research and sophomoric daydreams have benefited you. I think what I've written is right. I think.