YELLOW?
By: Will Grandin M'07
Yellow Team (Record 2-2)
Refusing to be unsettled by the pastel tones of their team uniforms, "Yellow Fever" had an impressive showing in the Fall season only to lose in the semifinals of the playoffs. The Fever is returning nearly all of its players and hopes to improve upon its efforts this season.
The Yellow Fever is clearly led by fearless warrior and former Stonehill college rugby standout Jonathan Snyder. Snyder's absurdly large appendages (partially invested by size 15 feet!) give him a clear advantage over the rest of the field, and, standing at 6'3" 325 lbs, Snyder is a force to be reckoned with. Curiously, the big fella has a surprising fear of the paint, citing an ugly lead-poisoning incident from his childhood. Instead "Sny-Guy" can most often be found lurking around the 3-point arc jacking ill-advised 3-balls at the most inopportune times. Despite his unconventional style, Sny is an exceptionally good shooter for his size, averaging just over 20 points per game. Besides his hair-trigger jumper, Snyder is probably best known around the league for what can only be described as "inappropriate intensity." During last season's semifinal playoff game, Snyder became infuriated with teammate David Lo, and after watching one of D-Lo's passes sail out of bounds, Snyder warned, "Dave, don't you EVER do that again!" In a recent game, Snyder scolded the referee (Tufts own George Storer), warning, "If you don't start calling this thing tighter, someone's gonna get hurt!" At that point, Snyder's team was up by 85 points (opponent: Black Plague) and sources at the game report no indications that any players were ever in physical jeopardy. In spite of (or perhaps, because of) these inexplicable outbursts, Snyder has become a fan favorite and he alone draws at least 2-3 fans per game.
At 6 feet 9 inches tall, Will Grandin is the second of the "twin towers" on Yellow Fever. Unfortunately Grandin's anemic low-post skills combined with Snyder's paintophobia limit the effectiveness of what many felt would be a devastating 1-2 punch underneath. Combined with his limited low-post game, Grandin also boasts an astounding inability to convert jumpers in league games and is shooting a shocking 14% from the field. Perhaps realizing his poor offensive skills, Grandin's trademark is his unselfish play, and he can often be seen attempting ridiculous passes to his unsuspecting teammates. In fact, he is averaging roughly 12.4 ill-advised dishes per contest.
A couple of laid back West Coasters, Mike Padilla and Dougald Chisholm, roam the perimeter for the Yellow Fever. Padilla, a product of the Stanford system, is the primary ball handler on the team, and he loves to run. When he gets out on the fast break, Padilla can often be seen hurtling out of control like a derailed T car. Padilla suffers from a slight obsession with the behind-the-back pass, and classmates have also noted a strange fascination with the dorsal root ganglion. During games Padilla occasionally has a temporary mental lapse, turns to teammate and Cal Berkeley graduate, Mike Thackrey, and screams, "Yo, Cal sucks!" But when Padilla is out of the lineup the squad really misses his ball handling and leadership, and the Fever is just happy to have him back after he was forced to miss the playoffs last season when an opponent bit a hunk out of the back of his head. Chisholm is the illegitimate love-child of professional skateboarder Tony Hawk and rocker Courtney Love, and he consistently catches opponents off guard with his Saturday-morning stupor and permanent bed-head. He is usually able to rattle off several buckets at the beginning of each game before opponents realize that he is actually awake.
The point guard duties are shared by Mark "The Duke" LeDuc, who is known by some as simply "Scrappy Doo" for his constant hustle and ferocious perimeter defense. LeDuc's offensive game has really been coming on recently and his calm demeanor has been key in diffusing the sometimes over-aggressive Snyder. However, a team spokesperson did report that management is concerned with what they call LeDuc's "fast-lane lifestyle". An anonymous source close to LeDuc confirms that the local heartthrob from Tewksbury, MA is currently on Boston's "A-list", a collection of Boston's social elite who get covert emails about free happy hours and open-bar nights at clubs all over Boston. This source told The Connective Issue that "Mark could be a great player in this league if he could just get his head focused on basketball."
Coming off the bench for the Fever is one of the league's most feared sharpshooters, David Lo. D-Lo is most recognized for his silky-sweet shot which flows like molasses and has been called by some the "slowest release in the East." The team is hoping to get D-Lo more involved in the offense as the season progresses, if for no other reason than to stop him from whining about not getting enough shots and girlfriends. At times league officials have had to warn D-Lo that flirting and attempts to elicit hugs from female members of the opposing team is not appropriate during the game.
The Yellow Fever's best-kept secret is undoubtedly its female 1-2 punch. Identical twins Joleen Weissert and Rhoda Raji have been playing basketball together since birth. Growing up in inner-city New York, Weissert and Raji honed their street-ball skills on the rough-and-tumble courts of Harlem. By age 9, when she tomahawk-dunked in a 3rd-grade travel-team game, it was clear that Raji was going to be a stand-out performer. An All-American at Kenyon College in scenic Ohio, she now brings her soft touch and sick crossover to the TBA every Saturday. Although genetically identical, Joleen developed a much different style of game, opting to perfect a smooth perimeter jumper and an uncanny passing ability. But opponents should not be fooled by that slippery sweet jumper because Weissert is all too willing to give an opponent a swift elbow to the gut if they get too close.
After a disappointing loss in the playoffs last season and the devastating loss of Paul Nguyen in the offseason, the Yellow Fever hopes to get over the hump this Spring with the addition of Michael Thackrey, who was picked up off waivers from the Orange Team. Thackrey, who by all accounts is a much paler version of Dennis Rodman, is averaging 2.3 points and 43.7 rebounds per game. Thackrey's scrappiness may come from his background in Ultimate Frisbee, in which he competed on the Icelandic under-19 all-star team. Thack-Man sustains at least 5 floor-burns per game, and team management loves this youngster's hustle.
Yellow Fever has stumbled out of the gates this season, losing its first two games and narrowly winning its third. The team's hopes were renewed after a sound thrashing of the Black Plague last week, but the Fever know they'll have to step up their game if they want to have any chance of making it deeper into the playoffs.